Forgiveness
I have been following the proceedings of the child sex abuse inquiry, and the comments upon it. Forgiveness is one of the issues that comes out of it. Another is what will/do people do about the victims?
Forgiveness is not a magic spell. Unbelievers often caricature confession as "do something bad, confess it, and then you're free to go and do it again!" Unfortunately, the behaviour of the church seems to support that view. It seems that some offenders were treated as if the fact they had confessed was the end of the matter. No consequences. Not even checking to see whether the offending behaviour had stopped. This speaks of an almost criminal level of naivety. And an almost criminal level of indifference to the suffering of victims, both actual and potential. Indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. We are all called to love. Clergy, I believe, are particularly called to this. They are shipped into a strange place, where they have an unaccountable taste in hymns, and are told to love all these strange people. But the structures of the church don't lend themselves to showing love to abuse victims..
Having talked to victims of bullying, quite a lot, it's not rare, many have the same experiences as me. Forgiveness is something that the church thinks the victim has to do! It's compulsory. And the proof of it is that you have to remain in a relationship with your abuser. Now this is a big ask. Forgiveness is not something that can be demanded of you as of right by a third party, (Archdeacon, Rural dean, Warden of Readers) on behalf of the abuser (your incumbent, say). Forgiveness operates rather like the cry of "howzat" in cricket. If no one cries out, the batsman is not out. If the abuser does not ask, then they are not forgiven. Technically, the victim can offer first, but it still has to be accepted. A failure to ask or accept does seem to indicate a failure to own up to what has happened.
Too often in my experience, forgiveness is used as a stick with which to beat the victim. Have they failed to forgive? Oh well then, they are at fault. Wanting to talk about it taken as a failure to forgive, and as a failure to move on. What it probably is is a request for loving support. People need to talk. Many people who were bullied are suffering from a mild form of Post Traumatic Stress. (Some of course are suffering from the real thing) Everyone, except apparently senior clergy, knows that talking about it is one of the therapies. War journalists go and get drunk and talk after they've seen a nasty battle. A friend of mine who as a police sergeant led a team that was clearing up after the Lockerbie disaster was given training in how to help his people through it. Go to the pub, (not to get drunk!) talk it through, make sure they are properly debriefed before they go home. But try to talk to a senior cleric about what happened and they think you are picking your scabs.
This leads me on to what to do with the victims. If someone ended up in your front garden obviously bleeding from having been duffed up, (a friend of mine found someone in her garden in just such a state once), you wouldn't take the view that as the assault had happened on someone else's property, it had nothing to do with you and go back inside. You would call an ambulance, perhaps even the police. You wouldn't leave them out in the rain, you would bring them in, mop the blood up a bit. But the church's position is that it has nothing to do with them.
I would very much like to see a pastoral letter asking for victims to come forward for tea and sympathy. It would be a welcome start. Actually, I'd like to see the pastoral letter we've already had read out in my church! I wonder how many other people have never heard it.
After you have been picked up and dusted off. After the church has addressed your various concerns, damages perhaps? protection for future victims? a cultural change? Then you will feel more like thinking about forgiveness. It will help you, it is enlightened self interest. But you will need to know that your abuser is sorry. You do need that apology, and some indication that the sorrow is genuine. And then you can start on the forgiveness, voluntarily, and in your own time.
I am aware that there is a difficulty over commenting. I have ticked the box! And people have commented on previous posts. I will keep trying, and in the meantime, I beg your indulgence.
Forgiveness is not a magic spell. Unbelievers often caricature confession as "do something bad, confess it, and then you're free to go and do it again!" Unfortunately, the behaviour of the church seems to support that view. It seems that some offenders were treated as if the fact they had confessed was the end of the matter. No consequences. Not even checking to see whether the offending behaviour had stopped. This speaks of an almost criminal level of naivety. And an almost criminal level of indifference to the suffering of victims, both actual and potential. Indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. We are all called to love. Clergy, I believe, are particularly called to this. They are shipped into a strange place, where they have an unaccountable taste in hymns, and are told to love all these strange people. But the structures of the church don't lend themselves to showing love to abuse victims..
Having talked to victims of bullying, quite a lot, it's not rare, many have the same experiences as me. Forgiveness is something that the church thinks the victim has to do! It's compulsory. And the proof of it is that you have to remain in a relationship with your abuser. Now this is a big ask. Forgiveness is not something that can be demanded of you as of right by a third party, (Archdeacon, Rural dean, Warden of Readers) on behalf of the abuser (your incumbent, say). Forgiveness operates rather like the cry of "howzat" in cricket. If no one cries out, the batsman is not out. If the abuser does not ask, then they are not forgiven. Technically, the victim can offer first, but it still has to be accepted. A failure to ask or accept does seem to indicate a failure to own up to what has happened.
Too often in my experience, forgiveness is used as a stick with which to beat the victim. Have they failed to forgive? Oh well then, they are at fault. Wanting to talk about it taken as a failure to forgive, and as a failure to move on. What it probably is is a request for loving support. People need to talk. Many people who were bullied are suffering from a mild form of Post Traumatic Stress. (Some of course are suffering from the real thing) Everyone, except apparently senior clergy, knows that talking about it is one of the therapies. War journalists go and get drunk and talk after they've seen a nasty battle. A friend of mine who as a police sergeant led a team that was clearing up after the Lockerbie disaster was given training in how to help his people through it. Go to the pub, (not to get drunk!) talk it through, make sure they are properly debriefed before they go home. But try to talk to a senior cleric about what happened and they think you are picking your scabs.
This leads me on to what to do with the victims. If someone ended up in your front garden obviously bleeding from having been duffed up, (a friend of mine found someone in her garden in just such a state once), you wouldn't take the view that as the assault had happened on someone else's property, it had nothing to do with you and go back inside. You would call an ambulance, perhaps even the police. You wouldn't leave them out in the rain, you would bring them in, mop the blood up a bit. But the church's position is that it has nothing to do with them.
I would very much like to see a pastoral letter asking for victims to come forward for tea and sympathy. It would be a welcome start. Actually, I'd like to see the pastoral letter we've already had read out in my church! I wonder how many other people have never heard it.
After you have been picked up and dusted off. After the church has addressed your various concerns, damages perhaps? protection for future victims? a cultural change? Then you will feel more like thinking about forgiveness. It will help you, it is enlightened self interest. But you will need to know that your abuser is sorry. You do need that apology, and some indication that the sorrow is genuine. And then you can start on the forgiveness, voluntarily, and in your own time.
I am aware that there is a difficulty over commenting. I have ticked the box! And people have commented on previous posts. I will keep trying, and in the meantime, I beg your indulgence.
Comments